2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
