how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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