If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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