Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
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