I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
