birth control should be required to get into college
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
