Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
