...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wish there were birth control emojis
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
