I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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