everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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