i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
