i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I could fuck to npr.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize