i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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