I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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