Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
