rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
