you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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