if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
