I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
