Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize