We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
