she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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