So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
