You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
