There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
