theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
