Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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