he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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