and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
