the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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