I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
