Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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