Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
