i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
