He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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