I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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