im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
