So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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