remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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