we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
