I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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