found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
