I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
