How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
