Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
