what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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