Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
