So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
