how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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