I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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