mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
