My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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