I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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