Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
