My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
