new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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